Thursday, 15 January 2009

Confidence aka The Holy Grail?

It's that time of the year again. A new term and with it a major slump in confidence. It happens every time, right after a break during which I've managed to gain some confidence and as soon as I'm back it all shatters.

But I've realised its not ability-related as I do believe in myself and the work that I do is good. But its the social and societal aspect that just drains me and in turn depletes what self-confidence I do have to be able to overcome these low periods.

And during these low periods socialising (even in its simplest form) becomes even more of an uphill struggle and I tend to hideaway. But then that's not as easy as it sounds and just becomes another obstacle and worry that gets in the way of being able to focus on and do work.

And so in that struggle of complete self-awareness and selflessness, I'm compromising my creativity, drive and ultimately, my work and future.

However on a different note:

"What an incredible painting..."

But then again, the best work I've done (at uni) has been in extreme circumstances and never when I've been 'happy'. However, on those occasions I was able to hideaway like a hermit and had the freedom to reach a creative peak.

'Everyone suffers for their art.'

And so, I've come to realise or in my amateurish nature, that I can only do 'my best work' when I'm depressed and up against it and just as important, when I'm able to getaway and have the freedom to work in a comfortable place.

But what's changed now is I'm unable to just hideaway and get on with it and that's the problem. I don't have a comfort zone where I am now or the freedom to create one.

Nevertheless, I do think I should be embracing this low period, as somethings got to give and I really do need to gather some heat to be able to write and get through my feature. Not to mention the rest of the term and graduate.

'No one said it was going to be easy.'

Naturally, but one thing remains:

'Is there a way to capture confidence and bottle it, so when I get it, I can never lose it.'

Although, it may partly be a case of: 'What you want isn't what you need.'

Ps: Was the painting at all an obvious ploy to see you through the post?

1 comment:

  1. Hi Mark!

    Yes, the painting was an obvious ploy.

    No, it ain't gonna be easy.

    The space, metaphorical or real?

    Metaphorical, well, you're going to have to work on that your own way.

    Real, take laptop or notebook to a library or a Whetherspoons - the latter has a 99p latte, free wi-fi and some strange real life to observe as a bonus...

    Thanks for following my blog, drop by and say hi some time.

    Cheers, Sheiky